I’m having a hard weekend. Too much running myself ragged this week, I think. It always devolves into me feeling like shit on Friday/Saturday/Sunday. Probably, this should translate into me emphasizing self-care more going forward, but I’m having trouble pulling myself out of this pit I’ve dug and jumped in.
I walked away from work yesterday feeling terrible, and cried a lot last night about my failures as a human being. Today I forced myself to email Nearly Unreachable Overseas Former Boss again and to email Supportive College Prof asking them for grad school recs. College Prof replied almost immediately and then I realized I’d misspoken (I needed more from him than I thought/said in my first email), felt like an asshole/bad person, and then spent an hour and a half in agony, avoiding emailing him back to ask for what I actually need.
I did it, but I still haven’t screwed up enough courage to check my email again and see if he replied in the affirmative (“yes, I can do that for you”).
All of this could have been avoided if I had not avoided the issue, prepared better (not preparing better was a way to avoid the issue) and actually asked for what I needed the first time. It scares the hell out of me to ask anybody for anything, so rather than ask for what I actually need I minimized it, but really made the issue worse because I still need what I need to complete the apps, and I just have to go back on what I said originally and look unorganized. Yay.